Andy's House
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "callme_andy" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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08:19 am
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Moving time again
Been at the new job for maybe 4 months, I really like what I do.
More importantly though, it's almost making me enough money to move and it WILL be making me enough money in the very near future - so I'm moving now. Lol. I didnt mean to do this, it just kinda happened - Krystal was feeling kinda down one nigh tat the end of May and so we looked around on Craigslist to talk about the future (something we do from time to time) and there was this really awesome looking enormuos live/work loft tucked away in the back of an old stone office building in oldtown Vallejo
And when I say little, I mean 2 rooms a bathroom and a kitchen that equal just over 1500sq feet with 12-15ft ceilings. I am a *big* fan of room, after spending the past 22 years sharing space with people the idea of having all that room is an intoxicating thought. I tend to "exist" in my room, and I can manage it whereever I am. First i was in the smallest room in my parents house, then I had a small small room in student housing, rented a room in berkeley then now have the master suite in my current place. Its not enough space though, I need more
So I'm getting it
Bad news is I hate moving, I have so much crap (and most annoyingly a 204lb TV) but this is the last time I want to move for a good long while. Yesterday I signed a 2 year lease and I've expressed an interest in signing another similar lease at the end of this one - When I signed on to sell paper I committed to five years, and I plan on being at The Loft for at least that long.
So on the health front, I've been better than I previously was but I'm still a bit off - Some foods really set me off and mess me up for days at a time, psychologically I think i'm hooked on Imodium. It's tough because in the next few months I have multiple several-day-trips to cover gaming events.
Oh yeah, tuesday I'm being flown down to LA to play one of the most anticipated games of 2007 - more deets later ;)
Alright, gotta go - work calls
ciao
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12:21 am
[Link] | i've been writing emails all night
this shit is crazy and moving faster than it has any right to
tommorow i'm talking with another marketing agency
on wednesday i'm visiting 42entertainment. the guys behind i love bees. thats how big this shit is
we might fucking hire them
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08:26 pm
[Link] | I have an opportunity to do something that can actually change the world
and it is scary as hell
all I need to do is wrap my brain around the fact that i'm not setting out to change the world
that all I need to do is just this one thing, and to not think about the larger repercussions
and when they write the history books, that's what they'll say
and the world will be different
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07:29 pm
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In a word, huh.
My life for the past year has been a pretty hectic thing.
In the past 12 months, I've
*Broken up with the girl I thought I was going to marry
*Had my Car die
*Was suprised by a brand new very expensive car
*Moved
*Been on the radio
*Been Recognized as "Real Media" by an entire industry
*Found a new girl, who I possibly like even more than all the past ones put together
*Dropped out of school to pursue a career in a completely unrelated field than what i've been studying for the last 3 years
*Spent more time at the hospital than I ever have before
*Learned how to change a tire
*Become a PC gaming enthusiast
*Had pretty much everything about me change
And now i'm getting ready to change it all again, and I just don't know what the hell to do
So, for the past few weeks i've been pursuing a pretty damn lucrative position at a company (notice me not mentioning names besides assuring you all that its NOT microsoft, sony or nintendo)in this industry that we all love so much. The downside? If I get it, i'll have to move to the other side of the country. I don't see my family that much right now, mostly due to some health issues i've been having, but not entirely because of that. I take the unconditional love and support of my family for granted, no doubt about that - I'm just not so damn sure I'm ready for something of this magnitude.
When I started going to expressions a few years ago, I imagined i'd be in and out of school, get my degree and start working my way towards audio bliss at Bungie Studios.... Now we're three years later, i've just dropped out of the aforementioned school and I'm looking at something more along the lines of a PR career... Why/ Because apparently its what i'm good at.
So whats my issue?
Krystal, mostly.
I love her
Well, I think I love her
She's way too nice to me, and supportive, and she takes care of me when i'm feeling like crap. And she loves the hell out of me. Oh, and the sex is pretty great.. Even with my god-awful excuse for a bed.
And this shit just crushes her, and I really can't stand to see her like that... It's not a good reason I know, but in all honesty I *HATE* making her cry and hurting her with shit like this, she's such a fucking awesome person who has had such a bad hand dealt to her. With all the crap that she goes through, I often wonder what i'd be like if we were switched....
Bleh
I just don't fucking know what to do, and my time alotted to figuring shit out is kinda running out.
Current Mood:  drained
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09:52 pm
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Everything changes
I have watched as, from intangible beginnings we carved a niche for ourselves in the digital landscape. From hidden nooks we watched the scene grow and thrive about us, because of us. Once there were many, and many fell along the way. But we kept clawing our way up the slope, tooth and nail. Reaching behind to offer help to a brother collapsed, we risk becoming lost ourselves. Not all of us were strong enough for the tests that still lay ahead as the tempting scent of money overwhelmed those without true vision. When I looked up and saw the mount, I felt as if we had truly succeeded. That our time and our blood and our guts and our tears had meant something.
I don't know if I was wrong in the beginning, but I know that we're not playing the same game as when we started. My brothers walk with me still, though there are less now, and our path has become more narrow and treacherous than I had ever imagined possible. The task remains the same though the scenery has changed and what I once flaunted as grass roots I find are too weak to compete with these insurmountable gates barring entry to the promised land. Is this even what we hoped for? We arrive at the digital fortress only to find it occupied by those with ulterior motivation.
Once love was enough, but I think those days are behind us.
The life we choose is hard, though the choice wasn't ours to make.
And all thats left is words on a page in a book in my head
But we few stubborn bastards keep marching
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11:12 am
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Have I lost interest?
Hey all,
in answer to your questions - No, I havn't forgotten about you. I just have a tendency to lose interest in any sort of writing project after a while (and I write more when i'm unhappy)
With regards to my life, i'm pretty good. The site is going well and we're making a big effort to grow our audience beyond the hardcore gamers we have now by providing lots more content... I've just taken over 360insider.net and so thats all going along... I checked out their traffic bout an hour ago (since they're on our servers now) oh man, the site is gonna take alot of work... THat said, I think we're gonna get a massive pay off when its fully revived and drawing a large crowd
I've pretty much dropped out of school at this point to pursue an internship that may or may not ever happen. KGO (radio station) has been talking to me about being their first intern ever and setting them up for podcasting, which is a big deal. When I was offered that I realized it doesnt matter if I finish school because this is a better opportunity than they could have given me anyhow
Girl stuff: Krystal and I are still together and everything is pretty great - We see each other maybe 3 or 4 days a week and not for all day. Some good conversations, more great sex, and she's a good friend :) Do I love her? Yeah. Do I think she's the one i'm gonna marry? Not really. We're too alike, and we've talked about it a few times (that we're not gonna be together forever) so I'm good on that front... Just having fun being 21 yo
Alright, I gotta get back to work (i.e. go play Battle for Middle Earth so I can review it)
ttyl
-A
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03:54 am
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So this is me
It's 3:54 AM and I'm awake. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with really bad indigestion... When I was down in monterey last weekend, the same thing happened except I couldnt stop hacking up a lung for like a half hour - scared the crap out of me, it'll all be over soon though so that's something.
I'm insanely stressed out about e3 right now... I havn't posted here in forever because a) the revamp over at gamerandy, b)working 8am-4:30pm tuesday-friday for the past two weeks, c) spending lots of time with the girl.
I don't know why I call all the women in my life "The girl", it's just kinda a general monicker, but it travels with my relationships. Cristina was "The Girl" up until I started seriously dating Krystal, because I guess that's what we're doing. I didn't mean for it to happen, but we are... With her around I really don't get as much of my own shit done, but it's not like i'm telling her to go, and its not like I don't like her around (total reverse). I dunno, I'm not sure it's great that we're both clingy.
So lets do a quick update since I havn't posted in forever:
This month: I'm going to e3, along with 7 other people involved with me/the site. The only non-contrib i'm bringing with is my old friend Matt who lives down in SLO with the group... He's a really crazy-go-nuts writer, so this is really my way of woo-ing him to write for GA at no pay :). This trip however, is totally killing me. I've been planning out financials, plotting flights and pickups, transportation for 8, LOTS of things. It's just so much. And we're not even confirmed for tickets. I'm verging on panic attacks at this point, a plethora of "What if theres some crazy requirement they refused to tell me about until I get there" because if this fucks up, what the hell do I do with my other 7 people who I've convinced to plop down no less than a hundred bucks on hotel rooms alone, some of whom are shelling out several hundred dollars on airfare.
John from microsoft has been an incredible help with this, offering guest passes under the MS umbrella if our tickets fall through, but I don't know how many he could get me, and I don't know how comfortable I am with taking them. My relationship with john is such that I know he helps me somtimes, and he knows it, but it's never anything so big that I feel obligated to treat microsoft differently in the way I write. I'm afraid 8 passes to e3 later that would change in a big way, so I'm very wary. One of the guys going with us on the trip really pissed me off by trying to add two of his friends to our room scheme, or something, but he wasn't really adding two people.... He was leaving, but organizing it in such a way that he would be paying more and all the rest of us less, for no apparent reason.
Confused the hell out of me which = stressed me out more. This might change, but I've pretty much decided that I'm irked enough at this wrinkle that he doesnt get invited by me next year.
I don't understand why people think i'm important.
When they started calling me boss I chuckled and took it as a joke, but it's becoming increasingly apparent that people associated with the site actually put significant weight on my opinion. This whole thing has progressed so fast that at this point I'm just caught up in it. I make no qualms about what I am, I'm a gamer, and an Audio student who is using GamerAndy.com to make sure that when I (eventually) graduate, I go places. The site is unsponsored and independent because I feel like that's one of the biggest things that makes us stand out from the next crappy site. I do very little for the site, other people write it for me, other people code it for me, we're all involved but mine is the moniker that crosses the lips of PR at the likes of Bethesda, THQ, Microsoft, Nintendo. Sweet deal, eh?
And I have no illusions about my commitment. If a flcker-esque deal was offered to me, I would take it in a heartbeat. I'd give 10% to both brett and hawkes, as they hold stock in the company and give out lump sums of 5 or 10 grand to each of our writers, probably an amount based on the legnth of their tenure... Invest most of the rest of it except a thousand or so that I'd use to start my next project (GamerAdam.com lol ;) I will be wealthy by the time I'm 30, and this is just one of the many ways I'm counting on to make that happen. Originality may be overrated in the world of the 1ntran3ts, but sometimes it's just what the docter ordered.
It's getting harder to completely avoid cristina.
She's AIM'd me a few times because dragun owes her money, and I've run into her information a few times (like tonight when I saw that matt posted about us in his myspace and included a link, she was on his friends list) its so wierd, she looks so different. I'm insanely curious about her, how she's doing, etc. but I can't deal with it.
At risk of sounding full of myself,
i'm good at relationships. I make girls feel special, I make them feel loved. I give them what think they need. And Its different for each one.
Krystal is less messed up than i'm used to, which is really suprising because she has more reason to be than most. I like sleeping with her. Her body is naturally cool, which is really nice since I absolutely radiate heat when I sleep. And she's not a light sleeper, I'm able to get out of bed at 3am and do shit for an hour (not sneaking around or anything, just like to check my email when I wake up etc.) without her waking up and wanting to know what i'm doing.
It worries me a little bit because she still seems waaaaaaaaay too into me. I dunno though, maybe I've just actually found someone who appreciates me for who I am instead of who they want to turn me into.
And she's a total horndog, like, almost as bad as I am.
Q
What's the difference betwene erotic and kinky?
A
Erotic uses a feather, Kinky uses the whole chicken.
:)
Alright, i'm gonna go wake her up. night all
a
Current Location: The Secret GamerAndy.com Desert Base
Current Mood:  pensive
Current Music: Watching the Detectives by Elvis Costello
Tags: gamerandy, girls, thoughts
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07:43 pm
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*Emergency!*
Anybody know what varietal of red wine should be imbibed when eating home-made, very hardy beef stew?
I'm kinda an idiot when it comes to this stuff, but I don't want another bottle of cheap white...
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10:43 am
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i'm not dead
omfg it's been forever since i've posted
I've had a really whirlwind fortnight (love that word) and thus I blame the craziness for my lack of postage... I am currently sitting in my room getting ready to go hit the mid-term land
Just so everybody knows, shit between me and the girl is functional and better than ever actually. I really have high hopes for this at this point... Went to dinner at her house last night, she lives with her mom and her grandma and omfg... the most uncomfortable house i've ever been in! I felt *really* wierd there, and I told krystal that and she was like "yah, Its the energy of the house" which I totally agree with. Just....strange...
Yah
and I love her
which is strange, but true
Other things going on:
Midterm in under an hour
We're getting syndicated and doing a live show on allgames.com
I have to go to class, because I'm terrible at writing right now
lol
adam
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10:19 am
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Well, that makes sense
So, I think I managed to fuck everything up again, which is good. So last night she came over and we did the thing, and it was good and felt great and she was totally getting into it but I stopped us because it was uncomfortable. Without the stool she's about 4 inches too short and with the stool she's about 2 inches too high. It was annoying, and I wanted to move to the bed but she didnt want to so I sulked (lol) and tried to go to sleep, but she wouldnt let me go to sleep because she could tell I was annoyed.
It's been a really long time since anybody has managed to out last my sulk-mode
but she did
so I told her I don't love her.
Which I don't think is true any more. It didn't really happen like that, it was more along the lines of me talking and being incredibly honest once she got me to open up about shit that I havn't ever said to anyone, and in that honesty mode it kinda slipped out.
And I just watched her face fall
because I lied
I like to pretend that i'm not fucked up, but I am. All the girls i've been with have really done a number on me when it comes to trust. I used to be incredibly open with my emotions and very reflective, but now I'm just fucking stuck. I get on an emotional thing and instead of crying and talking about it, my throat clamps up and I have trouble breathing, and I don't say anything. I fucking hate emily and cristina for making me this way, for betraying me and lying to me and cheating on me so many times that now that I've found a girl as wonderful as krystal, I'm so fucking damaged that I just fuck my chances
We talked for hours last night and I thought we were good, but when I woke up this morning she was just lying there with a blank look on her face
she wasnt angry, but I wish she had been. I can deal with angry
she looked sad, and she looked disappointed, and she looked distant
and I don't know what I'm supposed to do
because I think I do love her, and I think this is the closest to real love that I've ever felt.
and I fucked it all up
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08:09 am
[Link] | Arg!
You ever want something a bit, and then when somebody tells you you're gonna get it, but not immediately, it becomes like the entire focus of your mind because of the anticipation?
Yeah, I'm rocking that mentality right now.
Killer, you know the something I'm talking about.
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09:32 am
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fucking yawn
So i'm awake...lol
Alex just called, he's headed up with the u-Haul and his parents. He's my 2nd roommate and he's moving up today from Selma, CA. He's 17 and I met him through Halo 2 about 2 days after the game came out. LOL -Isn't that fucking funny? We met in a random game and just fucking hit it off, had a few clans together, he came up for some of our LANS in napa and went to PAX in washington with us last year, and now he graduated highschool ( a year early) and is moving up here to do his pre-med work at College of Marin.
I'm really looking forward to this year (I know I say that alot) but I talked with chris again last night for a few hours about girls and shit and its just.... easy. I've never actually talked to another guy about all that crap. It's really easy to talk to girls about it, but its wierd with guys and we apparently are able to talk. We're similar in our experiances (except for one) and I think If sex was a contest I could safely say I'm beating him right now. Beyond that, I've decided it's my mission (one of them) to get Chris a girlfriend (so he can get over the girl he dated for a long time and is still friends with, but is still totally obviously in love with). I call it project Horatio. Project Fidelity on the other hand, is getting Alex a girlfriend for an entirely different reason: Because he's never had one.
So he's showing up in a few hours...Prolly right when i'm out to lunch with the girl. I havn't seen her in two days and its interesting, lol. I think its just built into my personality to be clingy because I think I actually miss her right now. Okay, I wasn't gonna talk about this but I think I need advice here. So, I told her I love her. And I fucking hate myself for it, because i really don't know if I do. It was a fucking stupid thing for me to say because I havn't known her anywhere near long enough for me to accurately make that kinda judgement, I blame the horny. For me (and prolly everybody else) the pre-cursor to sex makes me uber emotional and sensitive, and I kinda have a tendency to do whatever I can to make the other person happy. And I thought that that would make her happy, which it did, but now I'm really regretting it because she not only loves me back but likes saying it, and thats something I *REALLY* don't want to get into.
Its so fucked up how bad a little word can be
on the upside, she's cute as hell and an animal in bed......don't even get me started on how awesome that is......
okay, i'm done.
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09:09 pm
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Paul Harvey
So, I'm watching "Can't Hardly Wait" with my roommate chris right now (LOL) oh man, I forgot how awesome this movie is... Chris has never seen it and he's like "Wow, these people are all super young".
Alright
lol
Can't concentrate on this many things at once, I'll post later
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08:17 am
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Ahhhh Sweet fucking internet
Oh man, so as ya'll probably guessed I just went 4 days without the phone or internet.... Jesus I hate doing that, I feel sooooo disconnected. But now i'm totally moved and life is really good actually. I'm completely out of my old place in berkeley and moved into the new place in Pinole. Oh! First night we got the place, my fucking car got broken in to and they stole my messenger bag, which contained (among other things) two nintendo DS's and my fucking new notebook, which had roughly 40 pages of writing in it... Fucking pissed me off. I lived in fucking OAKLAND for a year and never had a problem, and I move to the suburbs and BAM the first night.
It's crazy
Want to know what else is crazy? Theres a girl sleeping in my bed right now, and I think I'm in love with her. For what it's worth, I fall in love really way to easily... That said though, she *really* likes me and I'm also sure that that has something to do with it. She's interesting though, I like being around her. She's kinda funny in an off-beat sorta way, and has an insanely cute look. She does this thing with her eyebrow...omg...
And she's a fucking animal in the sack, I've done shit in the past four days that I didnt even know goddamn existed.
Kinky? Yes please!
Seriously though, best. sex. ever. And she takes forever to *finish* too, which means chunks of like four hours of play time...
Alright, I'll spare you details... I'm just kinda in shock - I took her with me to meet my parents yesterday when I was picking shit up from my house, and they hella liked her. I got an email from my mom talking about how she liked her "energy" ;) It's cute.
Mmmm........Alright, gonna climb into bed again... i'll post more later
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09:29 am
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Dating junk
( Nothing dirty, just potentially boring as I ramble all over the place about the new girl )
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04:17 am
[Link] | Wow,
so my date *JUST* ended at 4:05 AM
that was incredible, we went to PF changs at about 9pm, got some food and talked, but the whole time we couldnt take our eyes off each other. After we got done eating we didnt know what to do since it was so late so I said "Well, I've got RENT if you wanted to see that, and she hadn't seen it so we started watching that, and thing just escalated from there. I think we got to about the end of the RENT song (how we gonna pay), and we'd been kinda playing with each other.... Yeah, I was gonna go details here but I'll just cut to the chase
We did not have sex
We were not sexual
we *did* kiss, alot
we talked a bit
mostly we just stared at each other, and touched each other. for 5 hours
it was incredible
and so not boring at all
we're gonna hang out in a couple hours
I don't even know how I feel right now, she is *so* cute and so small, and she does this thing with her left eyebrow that is driving me absolutely wild
speaking of wild, I left the chinese leftovers in the car, time for munching!
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10:49 pm
[Link] | I forgot how much RENT moves me
it's one of two pieces of theater that has ever made me feel like this before
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10:32 pm
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The Hill
How many times have we lain here lke this
protected from the black by only a thin blanket
and a dim flashlight
panting slowly now
from the peaks and pinnacles we decend
I draw your slick body against mine
my hand cupped against your back
your cheek upon my breast
our breathing synchronized and slow
I've been thinking alot about the beginning of my relationships
of that initial jolt of sensation when first getting to know someone
all the freshness and excitement and inevitable blunders
shit I havn't thought about in years.
It's easy for me to put my thoughts and my memories to page in the above style
when I don't have to worry about rhyme or flow or form and can just worry about content
I think I do much better
I wrote this song years ago with my old band
this is a stripped down version with just vocals, bass and lead guitar
I like how it sounds, its clean and honest
It's not great, but I like it.
I also have a full produced version of it with full band and actual production values
but this is my baby
"Fellow Traveler"
This is a song for the lost and the lonely
God only knows who among you should know me
Somewhere in darkness a soulmate does call
My luck only holds for so long, then I fall
Along the road of the lost and the lonely
Memories of you are just all that can hold me
Somewhere inside me a fire does burn
My only crime is refusing to learn
Along the treacherous slope of the lost and the lonely
This lump in my throat is killing me
And though i'm perfectly still, I can feel the world turning
And it's because I'm alone that I feel this soft yearning
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08:06 pm
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remember when
As your breath glances off my bared shoulder
my head tilts to one side,
my eyes close and I smile.
The soft heat of it against my skin sends visible shivers,
through my whole body.
From the spot below my left rib
to the blue dot on my right hand
I feel it course through my veins like flood waters through a drain pipe.
Like the full might of the Pacific had been unleashed in that one moment
competing mightily with the likes of a champagne flute
And I am whole
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08:05 pm
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Patterns in Static
"I've always loved you, even before we met. Not all of it's even about you, more just the promise of you. And these last few days, you've kept your promise"
I miss being loved
Current Music: Watching "The Firm"
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